The Game Theoretic Implications of D.C. Driving

Back in March, when I first made the big move down here to the belly of the statist beast, it was not quite 45 minutes before I'd concluded that D.C. drivers were, as a rule, utter dickheads.

Perhaps I'm just a bit slow on the uptake, but it's taken me quite a few months longer to finally figure out why. In point of fact, everything I needed to know was right there in that initial encounter. I just didn't yet have the tools to process the information.

My baptism by fire came on I-395, the highway which connects my apartment in Alexandria to my office at the National Press Building (as a branch of 395 more or less morphs into 14th St. once you reach the District, it's essentially all one road from home to work.) In a scenario that has played itself out countless times, I enter 395 at Seminary Road in the right hand lane, which is also an exit-only lane. Upon reaching the highway, I have exactly one mile to move into the lane to my left, or I will be forced to get off the highway again at King St.

And over and over again, without fail, not a single driver would willingly allow me to merge.

It doesn't matter that my turn signal is on. It doesn't matter if I wave or even make eye contact. Efforts to forceably stick the nose of my car into the next lane will be met with horns blaring, multiple cars swerving, brakes screeching, and often, obscenities shouted out windows at high speeds. Like that hopeless sad sack Clark Griswold trying to exit a London roundabout, no matter what I do, I....CAN'T...GET....LEFT!!!

I find much the same situation prevails throughout the greater D.C. metro. The steely resolve of District drivers, Maryland drivers, Virginia drivers not to allow anyone to merge in front of them is just positively staggering. "Does everybody got to be an asshole?!?," I can be heard muttering to myself.

Muttering, that is, from the right lane.

When I share these gripes with natives and long-time residents, I'm rarely offered much sympathy. "Give me a break," they'll say incredulously. "You're used to driving in New York City. Everyone drives like a maniac up there."

I will concede they have a point. New York driving can be a singularly intimidating experience to the uninitiated. The concept of "lanes" is purely theoretical when it comes to any of Manhattan's wide avenues, and New York cabbies have little respect even for the laws of physics, much less the laws of man. Adding to the fun, there are a host of unpredictable hazards -- unexpected car doors opening, a jaywalker with a death wish, psychotic bike messengers -- that might, at any time, JUMP out at you, like the animatronics in some super-high speed tunnel of love.

And yet, the beef I have with D.C. drivers is the sort of thing that, by and large, just doesn't happen in New York. New Yorkers may be obnoxious and overbearing, but when it comes to accomodating their fellow motorists, they actually tend to be quite courteous. The same is true of my home state of New Jersey, of Connecticut, of Long Island...the whole metro region.

I puzzled over this for a while, and was willing to just chalk it up as one of those inexplicable regional quirks. The lightbulb finally clicked during a visit by my childhood friend Eddie. Driving around D.C. and Virginia, we saw plenty of evidence of my main gripe, and also ran into quite a few instances of my number two pet peeve -- drivers who signal their intention to merge, and then don't. After about the fourth or fifth time this happened, Eddie and I had a conversation that went something like this:

Eddie: What the fuck is this guy doing?
Me: Dude, they're all like that. People here don't know how to drive.
Eddie: Yo, buddy, pick a fucking lane!

And there it was...the prime directive of New York driving. Pick a fucking lane. What should have been obvious to me all along finally crystalized. D.C. drivers DO know how to drive, it's just that the assumptions they use to guide their driving behavior are the exact reverse of the ones that have always guided mine.

Driving in Manhattan, one must assume that anyone on the road could do literally anything at any moment. You always have to be prepared. Like playing chess or trying to read coverages in football, the more you do it, the better you are able to process the whole picture, picking up on subtle changes that let you know where every other car is likely to go next.

In this topsy-turvy world, information as clear and unequivocal as a turn signal is a welcome respite from the chaos. In Manhattan, putting your blinker on does not equate to asking "would you kindly let me in, please?" It announces: "I'm going left now." It's a commitment to a particular course of action, and New Yorkers take drivers who make such commitments at their word.

Thus, the greatest sins a New York driver can commit are timidity and indecision. These convey mixed signals, raising uncertainty. Did that guy forget his blinker was on, or is he just waiting to pick his spot?  Is that car merging left, or drifting aimlessly? New Yorkers don't have time to ponder these questions. If you need to get over, they'll gladly cooperate, but for Marvin K. Mooney's sake, will you please go now?!?

Back in driver's ed, we're taught that everyone should be a defensive driver. As a piece of banal advice that basically amounts to "exercise caution," the dictum is fine, for whatever it's worth. But as an operating principle, it has little practical application outside of Mayberry. Were it to actually be practiced, universal defensive driving would prove a hopelessly unstable paradigm in any sort of urban environment, as it offers no way to instantly adjudicate questions of right-of-way.

In New York, the standard has evolved that lane-changers are dominant, and other motorists must yield. In D.C., on the other hand, it is lane-holders who are dominant, and those looking to change lanes must just patiently wait their turn. Ultimately, it probably matters less which set of standards a given "traffic culture" adopts, so long as they're adopted consistently.

Of course, even recognizing all this...I still think they're dickheads.

Comments

[Jon Corzine]

He he he. Your integration to Metro Living has, at best,just begun. (Just wait until you experience the first snowfall - as where, they have "no clue" how to control their vehicles, less attempt such daunting navigation).

You see, in and around DC drivers are very teritorial. Then again, they mostly have learned to "aim" their cars....not drive them......

[chuckles]

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In D.C., on the other hand, it is lane-holders who are dominant
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So in DC, incumbents rule? That sounds about right.

[Thom]

Both still sound preferable to the Boston School of Driving, where navigating traffic is considered a zero-sum game.

[Eit]

Oh Ray - I agree with the comment on top...just you wait til' the snow hits. You'll get use to it though. I drove a 1996 GRAND FUCKING MARQUIS around in our great city - I'm sure you can get around now... :)

[Wild Pegasus]

The best driving in DC is on the Beltway in Maryland. I swear to the dog that everyone in the entire state is trying to commit vehicular homicide.

My sister's lived down there two years, and my knuckles whiten when she darts and shoots around those roads - usually singing and laughing.

I've gotten to be quite the traffic pussy in my old age (late 20s).

- Josh